Three years from now: Caroline has arrived in New Orleans with the twins, and their first stop is St. James Infirmary. Caroline tells them this will be their only time in a bar until they’re 21. A bartender named Sylvia says they’re closed, and also, no way can Caroline bring her kids in there. Caroline knows Klaus is a regular at the bar and figures someone there will know where he lives. Sylvia tells her that Klaus is gone – no one’s seen or heard from him in three years.
Present: Stefan is somewhere in Georgia, still on the road to stay ahead of Rayna. Valerie is directing him to a safehouse that’s so protected from magic that Rayna’s sword won’t be able to track him there. He stops at a convenience store so he can buy a cell phone charger. Valerie panics because every minute he’s not on the road allows Rayna to catch up to him. In fact, she’s making good time on a motorcycle, the sword strapped to her back.
Stefan’s phone dies, so he’s buying a new charger at the perfect time. He spots Rayna pulling up outside on a surveillance camera and just makes it through the door before she can throw her sword at him. He moves an ice machine in front of the store’s windows to buy some times while he gets back in his car.
Damon and Bonnie arrive at the Armory, the place where Enzo took Rayna for her fiery resurrection. He welcomes them to what’s essentially a museum of supernatural artifacts, kept there so the wrong people don’t get their hands on them. The people who work there are on a “treasure hunt” but have enlisted Enzo to capture Rayna. They think of her as “one of the supernatural wonders of the world” and have made her a priority since the phoenix stone turned up in Mystic Falls. Bonnie asks why Enzo cares what the Armory wants. He replies that they have something he wants.
Remember when Enzo was captured by those guys Matt called in? They took him to the Armory. In a flashback, he meets Alex St. John, who offers him information she knows he wants in exchange for his help. Enzo isn’t interested, so Alex surprisingly tells him he can go. Then she informs him that the Armory can tell him everything about his family, whom he’s never known. And that’s how Enzo got his new job with the Armory.
He tells Damon and Bonnie that they just need to get Stefan to come there. Rayna will follow, walking right into their trap, and they can keep her locked up forever. Sounds like a pretty good plan, no? Damon and Bonnie take a moment to discuss it, though they’re now so intuned that they don’t actually have to say anything to know they’re on the same page.
Alaric springs the news on Caroline (who’s still in the hospital, having only given birth the day before) that he’s decided to move to Dallas. He’s leaving today. Like, now. He hasn’t set up everything he’ll need there, but he doesn’t care – he wants the twins out of Mystic Falls ASAP. He promised Jo they would raise their kids somewhere else, and it’s time to follow through. Caroline points out that traveling with day-old babies will be beyond difficult, but Alaric has hired a nurse to make the trip with him. Caroline suggests that she come instead. It’s not like she needs to stay in the hospital. And it’s better than just sitting around and worrying about Stefan.
Stefan makes another brief stop, this time to change the bandage on his X-shaped scar from the phoenix sword (I guess magical wounds are immune to vamp healing). He’s arrived at the safehouse Valerie sent him to – St. James Infirmary. And who’s at the other end of the bar when he sits down? Klaus.
They greet each other with a hint of resentment but no outright hostility. “This ought to be very good, or entertainingly bad,” Klaus says. Heh. Stefan pretends he’s just there for a vacation. He asks about Elijah and anyone Klaus has brought back from the dead. Klaus says there’s “never a dull moment” with the Mikaelsons. Oh, I can name a few. Stefan ignores a call from Damon, which Klaus notices.
He wonders why Stefan picked the magic-invulnerable St. James Infirmary to drink in out of all the bars in New Orleans. Stefan implies that he’s hiding from Damon and any locator spells he might be using to try to find his brother. Klaus tells Sylvia that Stefan is an old friend and she should keep his glass full. He mentions the “mining fires” in Mystic Falls and praises Stefan for protecting the residents “in such uncharacteristically sweeping, dramatic fashion.” Stefan says he had some help. Klaus catches on that he’s talking about Caroline and asks how she is. Stefan wants another drink before he says anything more.
Alaric and Caroline are already on the road to Dallas, with two screaming infants in the backseat. Caroline’s on the phone with Matt, who’s admitted that no one knows where Stefan or Rayna are. He can’t narrow down their locations without something to track. Valerie shows up to help, providing him with the route she told Stefan to take. Matt thinks it’s ironic that he needs her help because there’s no sheriff’s department anymore, because of the Heretics. Valerie’s like, “Let’s skip irony and go straight to this nice thing I’m doing by helping protect Stefan. Also, you’re welcome for saving Caroline and delivering the twins.”
Like almost everyone else in this episode, Nora and Mary Louise are on the road. They’ve stopped at a convenience store to get supplies for their attempt to stay off Rayna’s radar. Nora seals their commitment to staying together with a Ring Pop for Mary Louise, and the two agree that if they have to go on the run, at least they can do it together. Unfortunately, they’re no longer in control of where their trip takes them. Alex and some Armory minions have found them by tracking their cell phones. They shoot the Heretics with tranquilizers so they can take them to the Armory.
Damon gets in touch with Valerie, who assures him that Stefan’s safe (though she guesses he’s always safe when he’s not around Damon). Damon gets her back by reminding her that she’s not Stefan’s girlfriend. Kids, play nice. He tells her there’s a plan in play to take down Rayna, and they just need Stefan to come to the Armory. Valerie says he’s in New Orleans but Damon doesn’t believe her, since they only go there for bad beer and the cure for werewolf bites. She tells him about St. James Infirmary, which she knows about from Oscar.
Damon asks her to pass the plan along to Stefan and get him to the Armory. Valerie’s heard of it and tells him to get out of there: “It’s a black hole of lies.” They once tricked the Heretics into using Beau as bait the same way they now want to use Stefan. They did nothing to protect Beau from Rayna. Damon says he doesn’t have any other options right now. Valerie tells him to just keep quiet and stop making things worse. After seven seasons of this show, I’m going to say that that’s not possible.
Bonnie blasts Enzo for going all in with the Armory even if it means screwing over or hurting the gang. He tells her he was sent to a workhouse when he was four and never had any kind of family. He was on the streets by age 14 and dead by 27. That’s the full extent of his human life was. He doesn’t know anything about love or family or relationships. The Armory can provide him with those, so he’s willing to do whatever it takes to get answers.
Damon tells them that the gang has lost track of Stefan, so they can’t carry out Enzo’s plan just yet. They’ll come back another time. Enzo doesn’t want them to leave, but Damon is fed up with him – Enzo let him believe Elena was dead so Damon would help him kill Rayna, but instead, she wound up with the phoenix sword. Damon believes “Stefan’s 1863 siphon crush” when she says he can’t trust the Armory, so he wants to come up with a plan B with Bonnie. Before he can finish his thought, Enzo shoots him with vervain bullets, then knocks Bonnie out.
Damon wakes up in a holding cell that looks like it’s used for medical procedures or experiments. Tyler’s also there, unconscious. Enzo tells Damon that he’s been in a coma since Damon knocked him out in North Carolina. He’s an Armory associate, and Damon guesses that the Armory also has Elena stashed somewhere. When Matt wanted to get rid of Enzo, he called Tyler, who called the Armory, not realizing that they wanted Enzo as an employee instead of a captive.
Once Tyler transitions during the next full moon, he’ll wake up and heal. P.S. The full moon is that night. P.P.S. Damon will have to stay locked in the cell with Tyler until he tells Enzo where Stefan is.
Bonnie’s also awake now, and Enzo tells her that the Armory rescued Tyler after Damon nearly killed him. Now they’re locked up together, which means Bonnie’s “bestie,” her “sidekick,” her “human project,” who makes her moral compass spin, will die tonight if he doesn’t give up Stefan’s location. Bonnie tries to use magic on Enzo but finds that she can’t. He injected her with something that put her in “magical timeout.”
Night falls and the moon comes out. Tyler’s still unconscious, so Damon has a little time to consider his options. Escaping from the cell isn’t one of them. Tyler wakes up and Damon tells him he’s about to get the chance for revenge.
Caroline and Alaric stop at a diner for a quick meal between feeding, changing, and trying to quiet the babies. She only has a few seconds to start a discussion about nannies before both girls start crying. Alaric takes Elizabeth (who will eventually come to be known as Lizzie) outside, leaving Caroline to try to figure out why Josie’s upset. Going off their dynamics as teenagers on Legacies, I’ll guess it’s just because Lizzie’s upset. Caroline says that Josie has no reason to cry, and she has no idea how bad things can actually get. She’s 24 hours old, Caroline. Let her enjoy the world for, like, a week.
Damon tries to restrain Tyler, even though they both know he can’t do it well enough to ensure Tyler won’t bite him when he transforms. Damon says it’s taking all the will power he has not to kill Tyler. Tyler’s surprised he’s not, and Damon implies that it’s only for Elena’s sake. Tyler asks if Damon would kill him if she weren’t around, because Damon wouldn’t have anyone to be accountable to. Damon injects him with something that will hopefully keep him unconscious the rest of the night. It doesn’t work.
Bonnie tries to get access to the area of the building where Damon and Tyler are being held, but she doesn’t have any luck. She asks Enzo when he became the kind of person who would lock up a vampire with a werewolf to threaten him. Enzo notes that she didn’t really care for the person he was up until now. Bonnie replies that at least he fought for what he wanted without hurting other people. He points out that that didn’t get him anywhere. That Enzo didn’t get what he wanted. This one will.
Bonnie doesn’t get why he wants the family who abandoned him. He’s really willing to turn on everyone for them? Enzo reminds her that when he told her that Damon was in danger, she sprang into action. Despite everything Damon’s done, Bonnie’s first instinct was to help him. That’s what Enzo wants. Bonnie says she hopes he finds it, then knocks him out with something heavy and shoots him with his own vervain bullets. She drags him over to an access panel and scans his hand so she can get access to Damon and Tyler’s area of the building.
While Tyler fights his transition, which is being slowed by not stopped by whatever Damon gave him, Damon calls Stefan. He asks if Stefan’s in New Orleans, not so he can give Stefan’s location to Enzo but so he can confirm that Stefan is near Klaus in case Damon gets bitten and needs his blood. Stefan says he’ll talk to Klaus about it. He hangs up and goes back to his conversation with Klaus, which has already covered Caroline and the twins. Klaus doesn’t expect that Caroline will just send the twins off with Alaric and stay out of their lives. He wants to know why Stefan isn’t with her right now. Stefan just blames “family drama.”
Speaking of that, Stefan would like some of Klaus’ blood, just in case Damon needs it. And speaking of blood, Stefan’s wound is now bleeding through his shirt again. Klaus recognizes it as the mark of the phoenix sword and slams him for luring Rayna to New Orleans. She’s from there and killed some of Klaus’ buddies right outside St. Anne’s once upon a time. “She will pursue you until your paranoia and despair far outweigh your desire to live,” Klaus warns. No matter where Stefan goes, Rayna will find him.
Stefan asks if Klaus knows how to evade her. Klaus is too mad at him for leading her back to New Orleans, not mentioning it, and asking for a favor to give him any help. He tells Stefan to get out. Stefan says that if he leaves, Rayna will kill him. Klaus replies that if he doesn’t leave, Klaus will kill him. Stefan decides to take his chances with the huntress, but he accidentally leaves his phone behind. Klaus picks it up when he sees that Caroline is calling.
She’s stunned to hear his voice, especially when she was expecting Stefan’s. Klaus hears Josie crying through the phone and suggests that Caroline pick her up. He offers her Hope’s hand-me-downs, since they’re just sitting in a chest that used to belong to Louis XV. Caroline says the babies aren’t hers, and also, she just wants to talk to Stefan, who’s running for his life while she tries to take care of the babies who aren’t hers. Klaus promises to ensure Stefan’s safety.
He notes that Caroline’s plans for college and her future have been put on hold. While his family drives him crazy, they also make him happy. “It’s not a crime to love what you cannot explain,” he says. He expresses his condolences over Liz’s death and says he’s sure she would have loved to meet the twins. Caroline realizes that Josie fell asleep while they were talking. Klaus says they should stop so they don’t wake her.
Damon tries to bust his way out of the cell as Tyler continues fighting his transformation. He asks why Damon doesn’t save himself by telling Enzo where Stefan is. Uh, because he doesn’t want them to hurt his brother? Come on, Tyler. Damon says that Stefan took a bullet for him, so to speak, so Damon wanted to spare him just this once. Tyler frees himself from his restraints and says it’s for the best – he’s going to kill Damon, so no one will have to take a bullet for him ever again.
Bonnie arrives but can’t open the door to the cell without magic or Enzo’s hand. She goes back to where she left him, but instead of dragging him to the cells, she grabs an axe. He’s just waking up and doesn’t have the strength to fight her off. “This is what happens when you make enemies, Enzo,” she tells him. “For the record, I would’ve made a better friend.” She swings the axe and he cries out in pain.
After finding a burner phone, Stefan calls Valerie from the road. He wants to go back to Virginia to help Damon. Matt tells Valerie that someone spotted Rayna, so now at least they can tell Stefan where not to go. Stefan, however, is already on the same road she’s on. He drives off the road to hide out, but an arrow takes out one of his tires. Rayna shoots him with a couple more arrows, then approaches him with the phoenix sword.
As Stefan’s trying to hold her off from plunging it into his heart, Klaus comes to his rescue and knocks her away with a tire iron. Stefan asks what Klaus is doing there. “The right thing, I hope,” Klaus replies. Rayna’s dead, for now, so Stefan needs to run – not just to get ahead of her before she resurrects but because they’re in werewolf territory during a full moon.
Damon uses an IV stand to keep some distance between himself and Tyler. Tyler taunts that if Damon doesn’t kill him, he’ll kill someone else. He won’t be able to last 60+ years without making some huge mistake. Damon’s just focusing on getting out of there alive, but Tyler warns that when Bonnie opens the cell door, he’ll kill her. “There’s always going to be something else,” he says. The gang will keep risking their lives for Damon until they’re all dead.
Bonnie arrives with Enzo’s severed hand and makes a Damon-esque “you could use a hand” joke. Damon tries to caution her not to open the cell door, but Bonnie refuses to leave Damon in there with Tyler. He tells her this is his mess to clean up, not hers. She ignores him and scans Enzo’s hand to open the door. Tyler’s deep into his transition by now, and he tackles Damon. Instead of running, Bonnie stays to try to fight Tyler off. Tyler grabs the IV stand and hits Bonnie with it, slamming her into a window and knocking her out.
Somehow, the shock of his actions halts Tyler’s transition. Damon tells him to run or be killed. He tries to feed Bonnie his blood but it doesn’t have any effect on her. He picks her up and carries her off.
Sometime later, Enzo wakes up in the same cell Damon and Tyler escaped. Someone reattached his hand while he was out. Alex jokes that he’s not allowed to look after the Armory alone anymore. He tells her he’s not doing anything else for the organization; they can catch Rayna themselves. Alex replies that they were waiting for him to prove himself. Enzo’s upset that he worked for the Armory for four months and got nothing out of it. He quits.
Alex announces that he’s already found his family. Enzo’s father founded the Armory. He lived and died in the estate that serves as their headquarters, and everything he left behind is Enzo’s birthright. “What he left behind was me,” Enzo says. Alex can relate, since she didn’t know she had family left until Tyler called her. She’s a St. John like Enzo – they’re related.
Alaric, Caroline, and the twins make it to Dallas and start settling into Saltzman Shelter. Caroline offers to help Alaric find a nanny, but he says she’s already done more than necessary. She asks to stay the night and help him keep getting his new life set up. He welcomes her to stay as long as she wants.
Damon takes Bonnie to the hospital and waits for her to regain consciousness. (He thinks he couldn’t heal her because whatever Enzo gave her to suppress her magic is keeping his from working, too.) He tells her she’s a terrible friend – if she’d died today, he would have to spent years feeling guilty. Plus, he’d have to find a new drinking buddy. Bonnie isn’t supposed to die for Damon, and neither is Stefan. But he knows that no matter how much he protests, they won’t listen. He’ll have to take himself out of the equation, starting tomorrow. They’ll never have to worry about him again.
Klaus drives Stefan back to New Orleans, where Stefan plans to catch a train. Klaus asks if he loves Caroline. Stefan wonders if he wants to know because he still has feelings for her. Klaus says he already has enough complicated women in his life. I’d argue that post-transition, Cami’s the equivalent of three complicated women. Klaus guesses that Stefan was marked by the phoenix sword while protecting Caroline. Nope, but Damon was probably Klaus’ second guess. Klaus tells Stefan to let Caroline go, or he’ll spend eternity sacrificing everything good he has with her for Damon. Klaus has spend eternity watching Elijah do the same for him.
Instead of taking Stefan to the train station, Klaus reveals that he’s taking him to see a witch. He may know a way to protect Stefan from Rayna. But to find out what it is, Stefan will have to stick around and be a guest star on the next episode of The Originals.
Etc.: The Armory has an Augustine Society feel to me, and I wonder if the writers named the St. John family as a tribute to them – Dr. Whitmore was played by Trevor St. John.
Bonnie and Damon can now talk without actually talking. They really are best friends!
I wonder how Rebekah would feel if she knew that Stefan didn’t ask Klaus how she was.
There’s a nice little detail where Klaus calls Mystic Falls citizens “the human faction.” That’s just the language of New Orleans, I guess.
I wish Damon or Bonnie had mentioned to Enzo that he of all people shouldn’t be locking people in cells for extended periods of time.
Caroline: “Klaus.” Josie: (cries). Girl, I get it.
I always forget about Bonnie cutting off Enzo’s hand. I wonder how many times he brought that up after they started dating. He probably used it a lot to get out of doing things he didn’t want to do. “No, I don’t want to watch The Notebook again, and you’ll drop the subject if you want to make up for the time you cut off my hand.”
Damon could have easily gotten out of the cell before Tyler put Bonnie in any danger, if they hadn’t wasted time debating. First of all, Tyler was still transitioning, so as long as he was still in his human state of mind, he wouldn’t have hurt Bonnie. Second of all, Damon would have just had to hold him off long enough for Bonnie to run off and hide.
Another sign that Damon really does care about Bonnie: Even when she’s unconscious and can’t hear him, he doesn’t mention how her death would allow him to get Elena back.
An Eternity of Misery 