Rebekah goes to confession at St. Anne’s, telling Kieran that she regrets coming back to New Orleans. It’s the place where she fell in love, but love failed her. She knows Kieran knows about her past with Marcel. He says he and Marcel aren’t on great terms right now, but Rebekah just wants someone to hear her confession. He asks if she’s even Catholic. She says she’s not sure she believes in God, but she needs absolution from someone – anyone. Kieran agrees to listen. Rebekah confesses that she’s a liar, a traitor, and a conspirator against her own blood. She doesn’t think even God can save her.
24 hours earlier, Rebekah and Klaus are both having breakfast (orange juice for her, freshly squeezed human blood for him). He says Marcel has been avoiding him lately, and he wonders if Marcel has mentioned the reason to Rebekah. She casually says she’ll ask if she sees him. Klaus guesses that she’s mad at him for biting Elijah and ditching him in the bayou to hallucinate. Rebekah says she doesn’t want to give her opinion about what Klaus did because she could be his next victim. He tells her he would never bite her. He had to punish Elijah for what he accused Klaus of planning with the baby. Plus, why would he bite Rebekah when he can just dagger her? “There is something fundamentally wrong with you,” she tells him.
In the bayou, the venom has started affecting Elijah. It won’t kill him, but it’ll make him really sick for a while. Hayley has decided to stay with him. She’s looked through the Bible she found but hasn’t seen anything out of the ordinary. Elijah warns that he’s going to start hallucinating and saying things Hayley won’t want to hear. He wants her to leave, but she refuses. Outside, Eve watches the cabin.
At the Pit, Marcel introduces Tyler to his crew. He gives them a chance to leave if they’re not ready to face off with Klaus. Everyone who stays will be “signing up for battle.” No one leaves, which pleases Marcel. Tyler tells everyone that Hayley is pregnant with Klaus’ baby. He’s giving them a quick lesson on hybrids when Rebekah arrives and takes over. She tells the crew that the baby’s blood can create hybrids, which means the vampires are in danger of having a new enemy.
She guesses that Tyler wants to enlist the crew to help ensure the baby isn’t born. He expects her to confront him for wanting to make a move against her brother, but she agrees that Klaus shouldn’t “sire a superior species.” Marcel tells Tyler that Rebekah’s there to help, not fight. But if Rebekah’s going to fight, she’s not going to let Tyler call the shots. She breaks his neck and tells the crew they’re not going to hurt the baby. They’re going to target Klaus.
Cami’s at Mikaelson Mansion for another session of typing up Klaus’ dictated memoirs (which is really just him ranting to the one person in town who doesn’t hate him, if only because she’s been compelled to forget why he’s hateful when she’s not with him). He can’t stand that his siblings trust outsiders over their blood relatives. Cami’s annoyed that she has to use an old typewriter. Klaus thinks what was good enough for Hemingway is good enough for her. She says the comparison makes sense; Klaus and Hemingway have “booze and random acts of violence” in common.
Klaus complains that Elijah and Rebekah have been lying about him. All he wants is to beat Marcel and get back control of the Quarter. Cami doesn’t see the point in typing any more of Klaus’ whining. He just says the same things over and over about Elijah and Rebekah being out to get him. She asks if there’s anyone he doesn’t think is plotting against him. Klaus wishes he had the daggers so he could use them on his siblings and get some peace. Cami tells him he’s repeating the same cycles over and over. “You are the architect of your own unhappiness,” she says.
Klaus doesn’t want her opinion, but Cami knows he didn’t choose someone with a master’s in psychology to type his memoirs because he wants a silent companion. (Except she’s still working on her thesis, so she doesn’t have it yet. Nice job bending the truth, Cami.) He compels her to come because he has no one else to talk to and wants to be understood. Then he compels her to leave and forget their conversations because he’s too scared to trust her. He denies that he’s afraid of anything.
He spots a drawing Cami has in her bag and asks what it is. She jokes that it’s an ancient plot she’s going to use to destroy him. (It’s actually a tattoo design.) He reminds her that they’re on his time, but she snaps that he steals her time from her, then leaves.
Marcel and Rebekah stash Tyler in the Garden so he’ll leave the baby alone while they plot against Klaus. They plan to trap Klaus there, too. Marcel wants him there for 52 years, one for each year he kept Rebekah daggered in the 1800s. She notes that Marcel let him keep her daggered. He wants to make that up to her once they’re free of her brother. Rebekah just wants some happiness and a niece who doesn’t have her blood taken to create hybrids.
Marcel plans to leave Davina out of the plot against Klaus. Her magic is starting to get out of control. Rebekah says they’ll need Marcel’s best crew vamps. Klaus is going to be furious about their betrayal. She seems to feel a little guilty about that, but Marcel notes that they’re just going to do to Klaus what he’s done to his siblings numerous times. Rebekah says she regrets not burying Klaus a hundred years ago. She could have spent all this time with Marcel.
Elijah’s hallucinations kick off with him imagining that Hayley is Celeste. Hayley’s holding his hands when he imagines this, so she’s able to see his thoughts. Elijah doesn’t want that to happen again, but Hayley again insists on staying. He tells her they’re being watched, and she spots Eve outside. When she runs out to confront her, Eve takes off.
Klaus goes to a garage where Josh is working on a car and says he has a job for him. Josh goes straight to the Compound and tells Marcel that Klaus wants him to steal a dagger. He thinks it’s a test and that Klaus knows he’s a double agent. Now Rebekah’s even more determined than before to get rid of Klaus. Marcel assures Josh that Klaus is clueless – if he weren’t, Josh would be dead. That doesn’t really make Josh feel any better. Marcel tells him to say he couldn’t find the dagger, but Marcel has it on him and is ready for Klaus to come after it, if he can get through a paranoid Marcel’s beefed-up crew.
Josh returns to Klaus and gives him the message, plus the news that Marcel will be alone at the Compound that night. Klaus promises Josh a daylight ring once he’s in charge of the city again. However, if Josh ever betrays Klaus, he’ll suffer for the rest of his life. You’d think this would make Josh panic, but he knows about Marcel and Rebekah’s plans, and he believes he won’t have to deal with Klaus for much longer.
Kieran is praying at St. Anne’s when Klaus comes by to talk about Cami. He admits that he’s been compelling her, first to use her as a spy and now to protect her. Kieran figured a vampire was responsible but never expected anyone to confess. Klaus complains that she keeps fixating on what happened with Sean and his classmates. He doesn’t want her to find out about vampires and witches; she’ll dig until she learns something she shouldn’t, and she’ll get herself killed. She needs to leave town. But he doesn’t want to force her, which he admits is ironic. Cami’s clever, and Klaus appreciates her feistiness. He doesn’t want her to be an innocent victim in the impending supernatural war. He asks Kieran to convince Cami to leave town. If he can’t, Klaus will be forced to compel her to go.
Hayley tends to Elijah, who again hallucinates Celeste.
1820s: Celeste tells Elijah that Klaus is up to no good again – he’s challenging people to duels, knowing he’ll always win. Elijah’s sick of sacrificing his joy to keep a leash on Klaus. He hopes Celeste (a witch) knows a spell to keep him under control. Celeste says it would take a hundred witches to do that. Elijah decides to put that off and make out with Celeste instead.
Present: Again, Hayley sees this, and again, Elijah wants her to go. He tells her there are consequences for people who care about him. She’s not bothered by his “weird retro sex dreams,” and she isn’t going anywhere. He asks about Eve, whom Hayley guesses is the one who left the Bible. He encourages her to go talk to Eve and learn what she can about her family. Hayley thinks Elijah is a bigger priority right now.
That night, Klaus goes to the Compound, where Marcel’s waiting for him. Klaus asks for his dagger, but Marcel hands it to Rebekah as she comes out of the shadows. She announces that they’ve had enough of Klaus’ behavior. She notes that she finally has the one thing that can take her down. She says it feels great.
Marcel whistles and a bunch of his vamps come in. Klaus isn’t worried, since he doesn’t think the crew can overpower him. But Marcel has the rest of his crew on standby, and when they come in, Klaus gets a little less confident.
Mistaking Hayley for Celeste again, Elijah asks for forgiveness.
1820s: Klaus kills someone in a duel, then complains that he hasn’t faced a worthy adversary yet. Elijah comes to warn him that if he keeps killing people, he’s going to attract Mikael’s attention. Klaus says he’s taken care of that – he’s pinned all the dueling deaths on blood sacrifices performed by the witches of New Orleans. Elijah’s upset because Celeste is one of those witches. Klaus says he’ll find another harlot, since they’re everywhere in the Quarter. Elijah shoots him, which of course doesn’t do anything other than make Klaus mad. He says he heard that the town’s witches are being rounded up right now.
Present: Now Elijah thinks Hayley is Klaus, and he’s ready for revenge for making Celeste a target. He jumps out of bed and pushes her against a wall, strangling her. Fortunately, Eve has come back, and she stakes him.
Klaus is ready to get things started with Marcel. He reminds the crew that he can’t be killed, which means if he gets back control of New Orleans, he’ll be in power forever. Marcel won’t. If Klaus is put in the Garden, any vampire who releases him would be in for a great reward. He holds up a coin and announces that whoever picks it up gets to live. He tosses it on the ground and waits for someone to dive for it.
Marcel tells his crew that they’re free to pick up the coin and pledge their allegiance to Klaus. No one moves. “Take him,” Marcel says. A couple of vamps rush Klaus, who kills them in mere seconds. Some others wrap him in chains and beat him. Rebekah wants a turn, but when Klaus lets his werewolf side come out, she changes her mind. She drops the dagger as Klaus breaks his chains and starts fighting his captors.
He yells for Marcel to come finish the fight, but Rebekah holds Marcel back. She tells him to take the coin. If he doesn’t, Klaus will kill everyone there, including Marcel. After a few more moments of watching Klaus battle anyone who gets in his way, Marcel yells, “Enough!” He bends down and picks up the coin. Klaus taunts that “the self-proclaimed king of New Orleans” is bowing before him. Marcel pledges his allegiance to Klaus and admits defeat.
Kieran finds Cami cleaning graffiti off of Sean’s headstone in the City of the Dead. It’s the third time this week one of them has had to do this. Kieran says people need more time to heal. Cami confides that she feels like she’s losing it like Sean did. She found the drawing in her pocket; it’s a secret code she and Sean used as kids. She doesn’t remember drawing it. Kieran takes this opportunity to suggest that she leave town for a while. Cami won’t let go of the drawing, though – she’s sure it has some meaning, and she wants to find out what it is. Kieran tells her New Orleans isn’t for everyone and asks her to leave.
Outside the cabin, Hayley has a bunch of questions for Eve: Who is she, what happened to Hayley’s family, and who’s been following her? Eve says that, to make a long story short, Marcel is what happened to her family. He killed most of them, and their descendants were cursed at his request. The curse basically reverses what normal werewolves endure. Instead of only being werewolves during a full moon, they’re always werewolves except during a full moon. Their crescent-moon birthmarks make them targets, which is why Eve got rid of hers.
Elijah joins them, having mostly recovered from his bite, and gives Eve back the stake she used on him. Hayley wants to talk to Eve more, but she needs to get Elijah home first. Eve tells her to keep her birthmark covered up. After she leaves, Hayley tells Elijah that she just met one of her relatives.
The living members of Marcel’s crew cover their dead brethren with sheets and pour alcohol on them. Marcel thinks Klaus is going to kill him next, but Klaus is going to stick to “the rules of engagement.” Without them, there’s anarchy. Klaus wants the Compound back, though. Marcel’s fine with that, but he tells Klaus he’ll never have the loyalty Marcel does. He earned his crew’s love and respect, which Klaus has never experienced because he only uses intimidation and fear. Klaus taught Marcel a lot, but this is something Marcel learned himself. “Enjoy your kingdom,” Marcel says as Diego lights all the bodies on fire.
The next morning, Hayley and Elijah return to Mikaelson Mansion, where he apologizes for almost hurting her. She asks what happened to Celeste. It must be significant, since those were the memories he thought of out of a thousand years’ worth of them. He puts a hand on her head to show her the rest of the story.
1820s: Elijah finds Celeste after she’s drowned in her bathtub. He holds her body and cries, then yells out in despair.
Present: Hayley realizes that Celeste died because of Klaus. Elijah corrects that she died because of him – he cared about her too much. He got distracted by her, which gave Klaus too much freedom. Celeste paid the price because Elijah wanted a little happiness. Hayley wonders why he’s here, then. The family’s broken. Elijah says that “broken” means “fixable.” He has eternity to help Klaus gain salvation. What value would Elijah be to his family if he gave up? (And for the record, he includes Hayley in that family.) She touches his hand, but he reminds her that she’s seen what happens when someone gets too close to him.
Rebekah finds Klaus in the living room, studying the dagger. She asks if he’s going to use it on her or Elijah, since he only has one. Klaus grabs her and blasts her for betraying him. Elijah tries to make peace, but Klaus isn’t any happier with him, since he seems to be trying to steal the baby by growing closer to Hayley. Elijah wants to leave Hayley out of this, but Klaus won’t. Rebekah says this is just another instance of Klaus thinking he’s going to be left behind. He always worries about that, when really he winds up alone because he drives his family away.
Klaus asks what he’s done lately besides cooperate. He made amends with Elijah and let him take charge, and he looked the other way while Rebekah returned to Marcel and got back into the cycle they started 100 years ago. Klaus can’t make excuses for his past misdeeds, but this is the one time his siblings could have chosen to believe in him and his intentions, and instead they turned against him and sided with his enemies. (Is he saying Hayley’s his enemy?)
Klaus says he got their home back, so he’s going to live at the Compound. Elijah and Rebekah can stay at the mansion together and rot. Sounds good to me! He offers Elijah the dagger as he goes. Outside, he tells Hayley she’s coming to the Compound with him. The baby is the only thing in the world that matters to him, and he’ll fight Hayley until she follows his orders, then fight anyone who tries to stop her from going with him. Hayley reluctantly goes with him.
Cami has spent some time in the City of the Dead, and now she’s at St. Anne’s to tell Kieran that she figured out what her drawing means. She thinks she was trying to send herself a message. Her code says, “Klaus M Picayune 1919.” She found an article from a 1919 Picayune that includes a picture of Klaus and Marcel. Their faces were instantly familiar to her.
Etc.: Please join me in cackling over how the show decided to bring in Tyler for two episodes, then wrote him out of the second one after, like, five minutes.
Hayley has never come across as particularly maternal before, but the way she takes care of Elijah shows that that side of her will come out when she has the baby.
Marcel and Rebekah should have known better than to just come up with a two-step plan: 1) capture Klaus, and 2) put him in the Garden. This is Klaus fricking Mikaelson. He’s evaded capture for 1,000 years. At the very least, you need a backup plan.
If Katherine hadn’t ruined Klaus’ plans all those centuries ago, they probably would have been a power couple. He would have loved how she evaded the round-up in Mystic Falls and slipped under the radar.
An Eternity of Misery 
